So sorry
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
We have a winner.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural