Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”