Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]