Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Gods work.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.