“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me![]()
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Every time.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Just say no
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.