“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
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Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
me when i smell free food in the break room
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.