Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

*3.5 thank you very much.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

life finds a way

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.