“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds