Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Lmfaoooooo

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.