So sorry
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’m confused about plants
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋