Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you try jalapeños for the first time

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Was it something I said?

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”