Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.