SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?