SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.