[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.