Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.