So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.