So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT