– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.