so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile