so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Attacked by a mop.
