Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Unimpressed

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.