So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
A fake ID that makes you younger
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
How wrong was this guy?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.