So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor