So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Morning my dudes.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans