So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The Eggorcist
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I’m Sold!
kitchen magnet
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
no such thing as a dumb question
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week