So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
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You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
feetloaf
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE