Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Growing out my freckles.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.