“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
You Might Also Like
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
no!! no!!!!!!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!