“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.