ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You Might Also Like
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”