” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.