” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
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[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.