So the ex texted me
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
do horses think humans are hats
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it