So the ex texted me
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.