So the ex texted me
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Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
This guy’s not having it 😆
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.