It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
gm
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’ve been drinking.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas