Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all