so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Our lord and savoury.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.