Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

😉

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Herpes is trending, good job people

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Straight people are cancelled

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott