so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine