Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Facebook memories be like
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.