So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it