So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
it takes so much energy
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
LMAO
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is