So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
