So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
