So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
