So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”