Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

describing stardew valley

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”