So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings