Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.