So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.