Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Not helping

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.