So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.