So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
normalize having existential bread
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?