So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.