So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”