Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

😉😝