@jctwritesstuff

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

- @jctwritesstuff

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Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

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ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends

EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh

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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

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Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
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H: ….

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.