Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆