Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house