Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.