So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
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Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.