so this horse walks into a bar
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Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I think this might be relevant today.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe