so this horse walks into a bar
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”