So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Worth a try
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.