Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Reminder:

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

jesus christ confetti not now

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.