@AndrewNadeau0

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

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@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

@ShortSleeveSuit

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

@DanMentos

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@TheToddWilliams

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

@_2Birds1Stoned_

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@DaddyJew

Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move

@thenatewolf

*Interrogation room w/ murderer*

I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…

*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*