So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I have so many questions.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.