So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Facebook Twitter
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If snakes were wide
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Matthew was born for this.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.