So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Every time.
