So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.