“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Need WebMD
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady